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Codependency
by Steve Hale
Persons chemically dependent are not the only ones who suffer. Others around them suffer too. Alcoholism and drug addiction not only effect the person addicted, but the people revolving around that it becomes that person's life. In a very real sense it becomes a family problem.
Melody Beattie, in her excellent book Codependent No More, defines a co-dependent this way: "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior (p. 31)." Extreme codependency is a common occurrence in disfunctional homes, i.e., homes suffering with abnormal behavior.
Codependents commonly believe they do not deserve much. Given the choice between fine linen and sackcloth, a codependent would generally choose the sackcloth! Self-esteem has given away to the obsession with the problems of another person or persons.
Furthermore, codependents are largely reactionaries. While they frequently react to the hurting and behavior of others, they do not often act. Overreaction and underreaction are common, but action is less frequent. We should hasten to add that it is healthy to react to tension and stress, and at times, even courageous! However, balance is the key here. Concern for others should not cause the demise of our own self-esteem.
Some counselors call codependency a disease because they are quite often reacting to extreme disfunction, i.e. alcoholism, drugs, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Also, codependency can be damaging and progressive. With many people, it leads to depression, isolation, illness (emotional and physical), and even thoughts of suicide.
There is hope! You can change! Life can and should be better! Lett he Lord help you! Paul said: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" ( Philippians 4:13). We'll talk about low self-esteem next week.
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on January 12, 1992
Codependency: Low Self Esteem
by Steve Hale
Do you believe that you do not deserve good things and happiness? Do you feel low self-value (embarrassment, failure, rejection) from other people's problems and failures? Do you feel ashamed of who you are? Do you feel guilty often?
Do you expect to do everything perfectly? Do you have a hard time making decisions? Are you afraid of making mistakes? Do you take things personally? Do you feel guilty about spending money on yourself, or doing fun things that are not a necessity for yourself
Do you feel you are not good enough? Do you reject compliments or praise? Do you come from a troubled, dysfunctional family? Do you feel like a victim? Do you tell yourself you cannot do anything right? Do you fear rejection? Do you think your life is not worth living? Do you tell yourself you cannot do anything right?
Do you try to help other people live their lives instead of living your own? Do you feel different from others? Do you get depressed from a lack of compliments? Do you blame yourself for everything? Do you feel like good things will never happen to you?
These are just some of the questions that should be asked to a potentially codependent person. If you have answered yes to one or more of these, you might suffer from some measure of codependency.
An acute lack of self-esteem goes with codependency. it also comes from a lack of acceptance as to what the Scriptures teach about self-esteem. The word "acceptance" is used because most of us understand the biblical concept of self-esteem. Codependents have just not accepted it.
Christians should have proper self-esteem because: (1) God loves them ( John 3:16; 1 John 4:19); (2) they were made in the image of God ( Genesis 1:26); (3) Christ lives in them ( Galatians 2:20); (4) the Holy Spirit dwells in them ( Romans 8:9; Acts 2:38); (5) they are to love their neighbors as themselves ( Mark 12:31); (6) of the gift God has given them ( Romans 6:23); (7) their brothers and sisters in Christ love them ( 1 John 4:20-21).
You are worth loving! Rejoice and be happy ( Philippians 4:4)!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on January 19, 1992
Codependency: Hide Your Feelings
by Steve Hale
Do you hide your feelings? Are you afraid of your thoughts or how you feel? Does this pushing aside your thoughts and feelings away from awareness cause you to feel guilty and afraid? Are you afraid of yourself'? Do you appear rigid and controlled, when really, you are simply afraid and guilty?
When dealing in a dysfunctional home, it is easy to get angry with abnormal behavior. When you are just about fed-up, you repress how you really feel. It is not uncommon for this to become repetitious, and as it does, to "lose yourself' and your true emotions in the process.
Maybe you get so angry, it frightens you. You have to control it! in controlling it though, hiding it controls you. You are afraid if you express how you really feel, you will lose or damage an already fragmented relationship.
When dealing in a dysfunctional home, it's alright to feel anger. Paul said: "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil" ( Ephesians 4:26, 27).
Rather than hiding your feelings, the great apostle is saying go ahead and express it! Get it out! Do not harbor it in your heart! Certainly, we do not want to say or do anything unchristian ( Colossians 4:6). However, it is right to be honest!
When we repress our feelings, we not only let "the sun go down upon your wrath," but days, months, even years! The devil loves that! He loves you being angry, then hiding it, and then become codependenti
it ... neither give place to the devil," then, not only means being a Christian as we respond to another, but also get it out and seek to settle it ( Matthew 18:15-20). The devil wants you to feel unhappy, repressed, and guilty ( Luke 22:31-34).
Our Lord wants you to be healthy and happy ( Matthew 5:1-12). Do not hide your feelings! With the Lord's guidelines ( Proverbs 25:11), express them!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on January 26, 1992
Codependency: Lack of Trust
by Steve Hale
Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your own feelings? Do you trust your own decisions? Do you trust other people? Do you try to trust people that are not trustworthy? Do you think God has abandoned you? Have you lost faith and trust in God?
In the very first article of this series, we quoted Melody Beattie's definition of codependency: "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her 'and who is obsessed with controllin that person's behavior" (Codependent No More, p. 31).
In the effort to help another, it is quite possible that repeated failure to change this person causes us to doubt: ourselves, our friends, our family, and even our God! Beloved, this does not need to be so in your life!
Consider:
1. No person can assert absolute control over another ( Philippians 2:12-13).
2. Because of free moral agency, some people will make wrong choices no matter what we do ( Matthew 7:13, 14).
3. We are not to assume the accountability of another person or the guilt for their misdeeds (Eze. 18:4, 20).
4. Sometimes., when a person refuses to change, we have to let go (matt. 7:6; Acts 13:51; 1 John 5:16).
5. Sometimes people, including family and brethren, let us down ( Acts 13:lff.; II Timothy 4:10).
6. Our faith is not based on hypocritcal or weak family and/or brethren: it is based on God through His Son Jesus Christ ( Hebrews 11:1, 6; John 8:24).
7. God never for-sakes His own so long as they do not forsake Him ( Psalm 107; Matthew 28:20).
Trust God with absolute resolve! Trust friends, family, and brethren with the realization of their human frailities. Do not allow your effort to help someone to so consume you, you lose your focus on God. No one loves you more ( Romans 5:8)!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on February 02, 1992
Codependency: Control
by Steve Hale
Do you feel controlled by events and/or people? Do you get frustrated and angry? Do you attempt to control events and people by exhibiting helplessness? Do you attempt control through coercion, threats, domination, or manipulation? Do you try to control others by giving a lot of advice?
Do you think you know best how to run the lives of others? Are you afraid to let others be themselves, and allow events to unfold naturally? Have you lived through events and with people that were out of control? Do you fear losing control of others?
Control symptoms like there are a strong indication of codependency. As you have been effected by another person's alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, etc., this loss of control has caused you to want that person to change. sometimes, this desire to change the abuser splashes over into other areas of life with the abused. Not only does the abused want to control the behavior of the abuser, but others as well.
The desire to control stems from a lack of trust in others, and yes, sometimes even God. How can we overcome such a strong desire, particularly when the codependent has been through so much trauma psychologically? Permit me to make the following suggestions:
1. The mistakes and sins of others are not your responsibility, but theirs (Eze. 18:1ff)
2. Accept the fact that others will make mistakes and even sin ( 1 Kings 8:46).
3. Accept the fact that you will make mistakes and even sin ( Romans 3:23).
4. We have the great God of heaven, who loves us so much, He'll take us back, even when we mess-up: royally ( Luke 15:11-32).
It does not matter if we have control of others. What does matter is that we have surrendered to God ( Matthew 16:24-26). As much as we can, we certainly want to influence others to surrender to Him as well ( Mark 16:15, 16). However, if they refuse our teaching about King Jesus, they have not rejected us., but God (I Sam. 8:1-7). The role of control is not ours, but God's!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on February 09, 1992
Codependency: Denial
by Steve Hale
Do you wonder why you feel you are "losing it?" Do you lie to yourself Do you tend to believe lies? Do you ignore problems and pretend they really aren't happening? Do you pretend things aren't as bad as they really are? Do you get depressed and/or sick?
Are you a workaholic? Do you spend money compulsively? Do you overeat? Do you try to stay busy so as not to worry about things? Do you get confused? Do you merely watch problems get worse?
After some time of trying to change or control another person, it is not uncommon to become aloof from reality. This is called denial, and it is an attribute of codependency.
The healthiest way to handle a problem is to face it, and deal with it. We are told not to let a problem with a brother or sister fester, but to deal with it ( Matthew 18:15-20; James 5:19-20). So important is handling a problem among brethren, King Jesus tells us to settle it before we offer Him worship ( Matthew 5:23, 24)!
Certainly, other problems should not be denied, but faced. Just as we admire an alcoholic who admits his problem, faces it, and meets the challenge, so it is with'any other problem! Denial will not pay off debts, settle a grudge with a neighbor, or make that pain in your stomach go away! In all areas of life, facing the problem and seeking a solution is the healthiest and best approach!
Life is not "Fantasy Island!" Rich Solomon, with 300 wives and 700 concubines., said of man and his life: "For all his days are but sorrows, and his travail is grief; yea, even in the night his heart taketh no rest. This also is vanity" -( Ecclesiastes 2:23).
Simply put, everyone has problems! That's why we need the Lord! He fortifies us to become "...more than conquerors..." ( Romans 8:37)! Our brothers and sisters are His means to help us with some burdens we cannot endure on our own ( Galatians 6:2).
And, even for those we must endure on our own ( Galatians 6:5), He has promised to help us ( Matthew 11:28-30). So, don't deny your problems! With the help of -the Lord and your brothers and sisters, face them ( James 1:12-16; 1 Corinthians 10:13).
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on February 16, 1992
Codependency: Breakdown in Communications
by Steve Hale
When trying to relate to other people, do you?
1. blame?
2. threaten?
3. coerce?
4. beg?
5. bribe?
6. advise?
7. say what you do not mean?
8. don't mean what you say?
9. don't really take yourself seriously?
10. doift think others take you seriously?
11. take yourself too seriously?
12. ask what you want indirectly, such as sighing, etc.?
13. find it difficult to get the point of the conservation?
14. try to say whatever you think will please people?
15. try to say whatever you think will provoke people?
16. find it hard to say no?
17. talk too much?
18. avoid talking about your own problems, thoughts, and feelings?
19. believe everything is your fault?
20. believe nothing is your fault?
21. believe your opinions are of no consequence?
22. avoid expressing your opinion until you hear the opinion of others?
23. have a difficult time standing up for yourself
24. have a hard time being honest and open about how you feel?
25. think most of what you say in not important?
26. speak of yourself in a degrading way?
27. constantly apologize for bothering others?
Codependents find it so hard to communicate clearly because their perception is sometimes a bit out of focus due to trying to change another. Reaction has replaced action, and reality is replaced by perception of reality.
It is important to find someone you can trust to communicate without inhibitions. You can trust:
1. God ( Hebrews 6:18; Psalm 61:1-3).
2. faithful, loving brethren ( Ephesians 4:32; 1 Thessalonians 4:18; 5:11).
3. (usually) some family membexs.
4. competent, faithful Christian counselors.
You are loved just like you are, so don't be afraid to communicate openly and honestly!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on February 23, 1992
Codependency and Sexuality
by Steve Hale
In having been so dynamically affected by the behavior of another person, the codependent becomes consumed with control. This phenomenon can have some strange effects on the sexual relationship of a couple.
The divine ideal is mutual sexual enjoyment and satisfaction within the marital relationship ( 1 Corinthians 7:1-5). The husband seeks to please his wife, and the wife seeks to please her husband. This unselfishness is an extension of the servant attitude of being a Christian ( Philippians 2:3-4).
Codependents often experience problems with sexuality. Do you:
1. reduce sex to a technical rather than passionate act?
2. wonder why you do not enjoy sex?
3. lose interest in sex?
4. have sex when you don't want to?
5. force yourself to have sex?
6. wish your spouse would die, go away, or understand your feelings?
7. have a difficult time communicating your needs during intimacy?
8. refuse to talk about sex with your spouse?
9. want to be held and loved instead of having sex?
10. make-up reasons to abstain?
11. have strong sexual fantasies about others?
12. consider having an affair?
13. withdraw from your spouse?
14. feel sexual revulsion toward your spouse?
15. refuse to enjoy sex to get even with your spouse?
Jesus said: "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" ( Matthew 19:5, 6).
Sexual intimacy is an important part of the marital relationship. Do not let codependency destroy what should be a wonderful marriage. Seek professional help to overcome these stumbling blocks to intimacy via codependency.
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on March 01, 1992
Codependency and Anger
by Steve Hale
It's alright to get angry! Paul said: "Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath" ( Ephesians 4:26). In other words, anger can be legitimate! Some things should make us angry!
However, we must not let anger consume us. We need to resolve the anger we feel quickly, or as Paul said: "...let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
Codependents can have obsessive or at least abnormal reactions and actions in relation to anger. It is not unusual for codependents to:
1. be afraid of their own anger.
2. be frightened of the anger of others.
3. repress their anger.
4. cry often.
5. get depressed.
6. overeat.
7. get sick.
8. be mean to get even, act with hostility, or have a violent temper outburst.
9. punish others for making them angry.
10. feel shame for their anger.
11. be afraid to anger others.
12. feel scared, hurt, and angry.
13. wonder when they won't feel anger.
14. feel more comfortable with anger than hurt.
15. increase in anger, resentment, and bitterness.
Do not be afraid to get angry, and yet, do not let this anger consume you. Open up, and tell someone why you are hurting! Jesus cares ( Matthew 11:28-30). So do we!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on March 08, 1992
General Characteristics of Codependents
by Steve Hale
In this next to last installment in this rather lengthy series on co-dependency, we want to list some characteristics that have no specific category under which to fall. Remember, our definition, from Melody Beattie's book Codedependent No More is: "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her., and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior" (p. 31).
If you are experiencing the characteristics to such an extent you are concerned, there is hope! With the help of the Lord ( Philippians 4:13), and experienced professionals you can overcome these difficulties!
Codependent people are inclined to:
1. find it difficult to make new friends and be close to people.
2. find it hard to have fun and be spontaneous.
3. feel like martyrs, and sacrifice their happiness and that of others for something that does not require that sacrifice.
4. be very responsible.
5. be very irresponsible.
6. have a passive response to codependency with crying, hurt, and helplessness.
7. have an aggressive response to codependency by violence, anger, and dominance.
8. waver back and forth when trying to make a decision.
9. laugh when they should cry.
10. endure hardship and hurt in order to keep-up their compulsive behavior.
11. feel shame about family, personal, and relationship problems.
12. feel confusion about what is troubling them.
13. cover-up the problem.
14. convince themselves the problem really isn't that bad.
15. feel they are not important enough to help with their problems. speculate as to why the problem doeset go away.
Do you struggle with one or more of these characteristics? There are ways to deal with them! Face them with the help of family, friends, brethren, professional counselors, and the Lord ( Psalm 61:1-3)!
The above article appeared in the Mt. Juliet Messenger on March 15, 1992
Progressive Codependency
by Steve Hale
This last installment deals with some of the characteristics of codependency in its progressive form. Please, more than at any other time in this series of articles., if you are experiencing the difficulties listed here, get some help!
Codependency, in this intensified state, can be dehabilitating and even deadly! Some of the characteristics of these co-dependents are:
1. a feeling of sluggishness and idleness.
2. a feeling of depression.
3. increasing isolation and withdrawal.
4. no daily routine and structure.
5. abuse and/or neglect of children and other responsibilities.
6. a feeling of hopelessness.
7. planning an escape from a relationship in which they feel trapped. they think about suicide.
8. they become violent.
9. serious problems with emotional, mental, or physical illness.
10. eating disorders (over or undereating).
11. addiction to alcohol or other drugs.
Again, if you are experiencing these difficulties, you should seek professional help immediately! Christian counseling is available through Agape, some of the faculty at David Lipscomb University, and some professionals in Nashville. Solomon said: "Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end" ( Proverbs 19:20).
Furthermore., seek a faithful Christian to be such a counselor! In the next verse, Solomon adds: "There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless it is the counsel of the LORD that shall stand" ( Proverbs 19:21).
If we can be of service to you, please come by the office. If we need to,, we'll refer you to another with more advanced training. But please, get competent help from a faithful Christian! Jesus cares! So do we!
March 22, 1992
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